I'm NOT Fit To Be A Leader.

2 years has passed since I begin my journey as a leader. Yet I still feels that I'm not fit unto it.

The history begin when I was appointed as Carnival's Committe Member last year. No, it should be earlier than that. But I cant recall which one. Maybe I'm right on it. Cant remember clearly. But no matter what, it's been years and I still cant adapt to it.

People always said that I'm 'mantap', 'permata', 'tangan kanan PERUBATAN' and so on. I dont care about all that. People always saw the bright side of me. They never know I have the dark side. 'Never know' seems wrong, I'll use 'forgot'. Yes, they 'forgot' that I have the dark side. At least, a little.

I admit, I have the mind of a leader but I lack the attitude. I'm too lazy to move around, contact people, doing paperwork, submit report, goes for a meeting, organize tasks and so on. There're many program which I didnt do the tasks well. But the most important is: I HATE TO PICK SOMEONE AND GIVE HIM ORDERS.

Maybe I'm expecting too much. I assume that all people have the same thinking as me: The boss will think LIKE a coolie, and a coolie will think LIKE a boss. No, I'm not saying that you should plan a coup d'etat or something, or the boss should do all the work himself (although I often did the latter).

What I'm thinking is: the boss should care about his team members. Knowing who can do this or that, and who have free time to do this. Always assuming his crew didnt know how to do this, hence giving tutorials and links to learn from it. Etc.

What about the coolie? Think like a boss. What do you expect from the people below you? There's a program, should I make a report? Yes. Today is the due date, should I send it? Yes. I'm free, so should I ask for more work? Yes. (just kidding).



Among all program I joined, I love JPP the most. I was the boss, and I was the coolie. I could do all the things I want, and took the responsibility myself. People said that my posters too 'play-play'. Ok, I'll take it back and reprint. No problem.

But I regret it when people said that JPP arent professional. There should be approval from the Director before publishing something like this. What they didnt know is that BroHamdan stayed up late until 2am, waiting for my work to finish. They didnt know that he approved ALL my work. That's my failure - I cant think like a boss when I'm working. Cannot think about the consequences to others, thus bringing the side effect to them.

Now I'm the leader of Website team. And still - I cant do my job well. There should be almost 3 programs which I was the Unit Leader, and yet, I still cant be a good leader. I dont know if I'm too soft - I cant give orders properly. Or I'm too crazy about work - I want to do all of it myself.

I'm thinking of resigning, but seeing the people around me makes me rethink about it hundreds of time. I'm not bragging here but if no one cant handle the website besides Jackster, who should I pass the title to? I know that I'm thinking about it too much. "Just leave the title to someone and he'll handle the job well," I always try hard to think like this.

Once upon a time, we're having difficulties finding someone to design graphics and so on, but now, there're a lot of people around me who can design much better. Once upon a time there're none who knew After Effects. Today, Eckm has mastered it. Once upon a time it's hard to find medical student who has a blog. Today, there're hundreds of them in Komuniti.



People always move forward. What makes them to move? They want to move, and there's someone who teach them to move. So I'm trying to teach them to move. Move forward and leave me behind. It's okay. But sadly in the Website matter, it's different. No one wants to move. I'm giving tutorials, but none wants to follow. I'm teaching the basic of Submitting an Article, yet they failed to follow it. Jackster didnt even teach them how to edit the CSS or HTML or using a FTP or dealing with hackers yet. So who can I put this Admin's title to?

At least, be proud of your work. Do the best until the end. The tutorials made must have it own reasons. For the Content's beauty, or for Technical matters, it's just some of the reasons it has.

I'm being a little emo here. No, I'm NOT being emo. I'm just giving some pieces from my head this time. Maybe I'm being too nice before. All my advice yesterday looks like a joke, and all my FIRM advice today looks like a scold. Never mind. As long as you got my point.

Oopss, this post should tell the story of 'Why I cant be a leader', not 'the story of a website'. Huhu.

I'm NOT fit to be a leader, although I want to be part of an organization. Oh forgot to mention above, I need someone to push me from behind. A boss give pressure on his coolie, but no one will pressure a boss except a boss bosser than him. Another bad quality of me is I dont feel that the boss bosser than me is a boss. Yes, AJKT's NOT my BOSS, or a Seminar's Director is NOT my BOSS - that's what I feel. Too bad, isnt it?

The darkside of me is not just that. Actually I've changed much since I came to Egypt. The T-Suppressor made the satanic side of me trapped deep inside. Sometimes the satanic virus luckily goes out, but at the most I'll do is hurting someone else feeling or giving others bad influence and skills. You should see how I release my full satanic side and scratch my classmate's face with a knife. Or how I made a student from other class thrown out from hostel. 9-Tails-Demon-Fox in my body give me courage to do all that, and protect me from harm while doing it (this a holy crap, dont believe it). Nah, that's just a little.

I always said that THIS IS THE LAST PROGRAM I ORGANIZED, yet I accepted the next task easily. Maybe I'm too soft. Maybe I'm too proud of myself. Maybe I'm just trying to give it a shot and do my best. I dont know. I just cant resist it although I know that I cant be a leader well.

It's hard to be a leader. It's REALLY hard. It's really DAMN hard.



People chose me to be a Unit Leader. I dont know on what basis they chose me, but if I'm needed, I'll give it my best. As long as I feel that I can do it. Nevertheless, I still prefer to be under someone. So I can put all the blame to him. ROFL~

"I'm a volunteer. No one wants to be a boss. No one wants to be an AJKT. No one wants to do this and that. People chose me so what should I do? That doesnt mean that I can do it half-heartedly. Except from being an AJKT, I can always reject the job offers. But still I'm taking it. Why? It's not like I'm doing this for money. JPA already gave me money. Not for title or name whatsoeva. My parents already gave me name. People chose me because they believe in me. So I MUST believe in myself. Allah gave me this oppoturnity because He also believes and knows me. So I MUST believe in myself. Go for it and give the best shot. Always aim for the ace."
I always tried to think like that, but in this matter of leadership, there's NO mistake that I am really NOT fit to be a leader.

Give a task to do, NOT what cant be done. I'll finish the task in my way, NOT your way. Accept it, OR leave it. It's NOT like I'm the only one who can do it.
[HafizAdam's Working Policy (starting today)]